Pretty Little Boxes (or...I Wish I Were an Atheist, but I Am Not)

... eventually i will write a blog about the unraveling sweater and the process of un-becoming a christian. I am sure many people assume I am just "backslidden" and wanted to chase after a life of debauchery and selfishness. (It really wasn't about that although i have certainly supped at the buffet of debauchery.) It was a slow process that took down tenet by tenet for me over the course of years. I desperately wanted to hang onto something.. anything.. that felt safe and familiar so that I wasn't out there bobbing in the sea alone and directionless.

What is it about us humans that we feel we need labels and boxes and titles to know who and what we are?

In the beginning when I had to finally admit to myself i believed nothing that would allow me to continue to call myself a "believer".

("Believer" is the term that people who follow God/Jesus but do not like to be labeled 'christians' due to the stigma and a lack of identifying with the horrific examples one sees in the media of what a christian is. "Believers" are people who focus on a "relationship" with God rather than an adherence to a religion... and yes.. there really is a big difference. Most believers I know are extremely good and conscientious people who care about making a difference in the world and not about shoving religion down anyone's throat.. don't boycott funerals or protest at abortion clinics or condemn homosexuals.. they just live their life trying to deepen their relationship with God)

... anyhow.. i had to come to grips that i was not a believer.

My plan was to develop into a religious observant Jewish woman.. but then I entered the Judaic Studies program at the U of O and experienced the Tanach (also known as the Old Testament) dismantled book by book by a biblical scholar who explained why the canon was a work of fiction. I was destroyed. I remember the moment. She was discussing the Book of Daniel that had always been one of my favorites.. and providing archaeological proof why it could not be true. Emotionally, I felt like i was lying on the floor bleeding and someone came up to me and began kicking my fractured ribs.

From that point forward I felt utterly lost. I remember going to visit that professor in her office and "coming out" to her about my past (she was visibly mortified and i vowed to never "come out" to another Jewish person again) and I plead with her. yes. I plead with her. "I don't know how to move forward as a Jew... if scripture is not true.. what do I hold onto? What is truth?" and looked at me as though i were absolutely insane and explained to me "Sheri this is not Christianity. Judaism is a Rabbinical religion based on Halacha and not on the irrefutibility of scripture" (or something close to that)

Regardless of your personal beliefs, the essence of what she was saying was simply, "Sheri, don't look for someone to make this easy for you. Nobody is going to hand you a pretty box with an instruction booklet."

So I wish I were an Atheist. And I tried to be. As a "religious person" i depended on the absolute truth of Scripture to be my life guide. With that gone, I felt aimless and had no idea what to anchor myself to. I am a truth person. I have no interest in fables or oral traditions that make life seem more fun. if it isn't truth, I want nothing to do with it, and i had no truth left.. just anecdotes of what i personally experienced. So I decided that I was done with God and moved forward.

.. except that while the outer part of me took this path, my "kishkes" kept calling out to a higher being. Kishkes... guts.. innards. I would face a situation and the believing Sheri would pray in that situation. The new Sheri was stumped. How do i approach this? Maybe it is a conditioned world view. I am willing to accept that. Regardless... I have accepted over the course of many years that, while identifying as an Atheist would feel more authentic to me (because I have no pretty box with instructions), the innermost parts of my cries out to a higher being against my will.

I want to clarify that I do not assume that being an Atheist is to "lack of God" anymore than being a woman is "lack of penis". I know there is depth and meaning behind the Being of Atheist that I simply am not schooled on. I do not want to offend Atheists by referring to them as people with a lack of something. I just realized that I am not one.

So i am not an Atheist. I don't know what i am. What i know I am is an excruciatingly honest person who identifies as a Truth Person. I struggle with observing rituals that have no adequate "Why" attached to them. I recognize the value of Tribal Ritual in and of itself and, for that, I very much want to pass on Jewish traditions to my children although I feel I have horribly failed at that.

I am a "Spiritual Person". I don't know what spirit or what that even means except that the ONLY thing I genuinely miss about the believer life is the deep connection i genuinely felt to a higher being. I miss feeling like my prayers were heard and considered. I miss worship. I miss worship a LOT. For a while I continued to pick worship songs that didn't have the word Jesus in them (and good luck with that.. there aren't many).. but I felt like a hypocrite. I miss that part of my life but I have no pretty little box to put it in. i am still searching. But (here comes the 80's cliche'..) "I still haven't found what I'm looking for".

It takes courage and poise to live a life outside a Pretty Little Box and feel confident that you are on the right track. I am working on it.

~and That's what she said...