I don't believe that I am an Atheist. I might be an Agnostic... but I am not sure...

.. but I've seen the light and I can say with full assurance from the wellsprings of where it is well with my soul... that i am not a christian.

Being Jewish is complicated. Explaining to non-Jews the intricasies of Judaism and Being Jewish is exhausting. I remember the first time I tried to do that. I must have been 8 or so. I was talking to my Italian Catholic next door neighbor babysitter and she asked me what my nationality/heritage was. "Jewish". She replied with a little exasperation, "NO. I am Catholic and you are Jewish. I am Italian. What are you?" "Jewish". That was the first of probably hundreds of exasperating discussions of the sort.

Being Jewish is both as easy as saying you are "American" and leaving it at that and also as complicated as what I imagine rocket science must be like to discuss. Like, I don't "get" science.

So I am coming out. Some of you that know me already know this at least to some degree and some of you had absolutely no idea and will be horrifically shocked. And some of you will be shocked to hear me talk about this in the past tense. I did used to be a Christian. I had one of those cliche' experiences and spent some adult years in the culture of what I call churchianity. And those of you who do know me know that I do nothing half way.

I did spend many many years working my way out. I liken it to a sweater with a loose thread. I was warm and cozy in this sweater until i noticed that pesky loose thread. WELL that can't be. I tugged at the loose thread and slowly the entire sweater was unraveled until it was nothing but a wavy heap of yarn at my feet.

That was many years ago. The loose thread preceded the end of my marriage and I spent the last several years while married questioning sacred cows and researching everything half to death. It was like discovering your best friend is a pathological liar. (er.. let's not go there...) I might have hung on for a few more years as i went through my divorce had I had those warm fuzzies people love christianity for, but instead I was shunned and disfellowshiped for leaving my husband and lost all but a small handful of friends who chose to love me for who I am regardless of what I did or didn't believe and did or didn't do.

I realize today that one of the reasons christianity attracted me way back then was because I needed experience and I am a "why" person. I used to ask in Hebrew School "why did God used to talk to people back then but He doesn't anymore?" I would go to synagogue and long for a deeper experience that moved me inside instead of reading the Hebrew prayers that I couldn't translate without looking to the left side translation page. I wanted something deeper and warm fuzzy and tangible. So along came those always-happy born agains who explained that i could be Jewish AND a christian and they would thank me for sharing my Messiah with them. Whaaaaa????

I am going to be honest here. I didn't believe any of it. Virgin birth.. god becoming man... resurrection... But I wanted the deep connection experience and i figured if i had to make myself believe the stories, I would in exchange for having some sort of connection to the Almighty. I rationalized it saying "COULD God have done those things if he wanted to? Well.. yes.. so then.. if he could have.. why not? Maybe he did?"

Assimilation works wonders. Eventually my doubts dissipated and I did fully embrace the culture and religion and participated actively. I was genuine it was a real experience and it met the need I had been looking for.

If only I had discovered Chabad at that time. My whole life would have taken a different turn. I had never met a fellow Jew who passionately loved God and had some sort of internal experience from it.

That is.. until I met Rivka Sari, Eliezer Braun and John Daly. And it changed my life. All my questions and loose threads were resolved and I was able to make peace with the fact that I was a passionate Jewish woman who could pursue my religion however I wanted to.. IF i wanted to...with passion and commitment or without.. my choice.. and I didn't need to worship a foreign triune triple decker god in order to do so. It took a few months to reconcile.. there is some significant brainwashing one goes through. I was now floating in the abyss with no assurance of anything in the hereafter.

I have revisited that past a few times in the almost ten years.. I have attended a church with a friend (to placate them..), visited someone performing at a church, an event at a church, and a few funerals... and I have to say I felt nothing. There were no "come hooooooommeeee" stirrings from within me. But HELL when i was living as a christian, I would watch a Ben Stiller movie and I would have DRAMATIC "come hooooooooommmme" stirrings about being Jewish. It would move me to tears. And so I did. I came home.

So now here I sit. I have a condioning world view that I learned from many years in churchianity that is hard to shake. I DID experience deep things when in that realm and I believe those things were real. I just don't believe they had anything to do with a christian god. I think there are universal principals and truths and mysteries that cross the sacred boundaries of World Religions and we placate ourselves by putting them into nice pretty boxes that feel comfy to us. I still have all the so called "giftings" I had as a christian. (yes, really) I never ever fit into church culture because I was so damned Jewish. And now I am not sure how to fit back into the religious world of Judaism. Christianity was such a cult like phenomenon to me that I can't bring myself to get involved heavily in the community of my own people. I want community, I want depth, I want meaning.. most of all I want tribal ritual to pass onto my kids, but I am afraid to get lost in religion again or under the influence of another charasmatic cult like leader.

So I am Jewish. And I am lucky that the word "Jewish" is such a nice big umbrella that requires so little explanation and I have a lot of room to figure out what I think and believe and hope for.

*Post Script: I genuinely don't mean any disprect to christians by this posting. I don't allow my kids to diss christianity anymore than I would permit any sort of bigotry or intolerance and I work hard to not disrespect your religion either. A lot of people who have known me in the last ten years did not know that I spent time in that religion significantly and there are a lot of people that haven't seen me in a long time that were not aware I had permanently left. I have very strong feelings about my experiences in the various forms of that realm that I might talk about. The good experiences and the cult like ones. If these sort of discussions will offend you to the point of not wanting to be in my life any further then I encourage you to either NOT read them, or simply leave my life. I am who I am and I only want people in my life who love me as I am right now.

And that's what SHE said..