Waiting for the Right One

I met Josh when I was 44. I had never had genuine true love before him. I thought I had many times, but clearly it wasn't real. You know it when you find it.

When i was 39 I met the most amazing man I had ever met and thought I had met the love of my life. He was the best boyfriend I had ever had... handsome, brilliant, successful and everything I thought I wanted in a man. He treated me SO WELL and was so thoughtful and we talked and talked and talked all the time and we did fun things... I was really really happy. He showered me with elaborate extravagance for my 40th birthday before he disappeared from my life never to be seen again.

But he wasn't real. He pretended to be somebody I wanted him to be, but inside he is sick and twisted and dark and awful while on the outside he is sweet and charming and handsome and wonderful. And he broke me into so many pieces that I couldn't trust a man again for YEARS. I ran men off like scared bunnies with my hyper vigilance. And then I healed. And when the time was right and I was ready, I met Josh. In between there were several wannabes.. good men... bad men.. but none of whom were perfect for me.

I am able to accept today that I was madly in love with a wonderful man who didn't exist. He was a sociopathic liar who WANTED to be who I thought he was but, in the end, he had to be who he really was. I thank God we weren't together long because I know the damage would have been deeper and longer lasting and, as it was, it was intense. I was real and good and true and I gave of myself unselfishly and I believed him. And one day someone met me and loved those qualities because that is how HE is and he could never match with a woman who appreciated him for who he was either.

I know this sounds trite and pat and you get tired of hearing people say it over and over again because whenever anyone told me that 'when I no longer was looking or cared', then the magic "he" would appear.. I wanted to punch their faces. It royally pissed me off. What's worse is that it is true. And it is EXACTLY what happened with me.

I am so glad I waited for the right one.