Posts
I have a syndrome. I don’t know which one. I just know that I have a collection of really difficult symptoms that strongly affect my life negatively and have put my whole life on hold.
I don’t have a pretty little box to put my symptoms in because I have not been diagnosed yet. Why? Because I am afraid. I know that my symptoms are real and how they feel inside to me. I know generally what I need to do when my symptoms come on, but the remedies make me look lazy and irresponsible and the people in my life challenge me and ask me to do things other than what I know I need to do in order to be more healthy. I feel lazy, shameful and irresponsible when I feel like “rest” is a need and not something I want. I typically succumb to what other people need me to do even if all they see is me lying around and finally getting up and doing something.
I know when I need to leave someplace.. when I can feel my resources waning. When my internal “gas gauge” has hit ‘E’ and I typically end up needing to stay well past that point. It causes me to feel panic about going anywhere or doing anything because I don’t feel like I have any control over the cut-off point.
I am so frustrated that I am bordering on the level of futility. I don’t know if I have chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia or some precursor to some awful disease.. low thyroid, anemia, or some gawdawful fatal thing I haven’t discovered yet, but what I have is real and I can’t make anybody I know (except those that also have a chronic syndrome) understand.
I have had blood panels ran already. I have an appointment for a sleep study and a huge packet of information to fill out for a pain management center.
I feel utterly and inexplicably alone and fatalistic.
People continue to (inadvertently) guilt and shame me for my inactivity and lack of desire to get up and join the party.. do more.. be more.. and do more for them. Constantly. People don’t understand my utter debilitating exhaustion even when I get a ‘full night sleep’. I realize I stand on the precipice of losing every single person in my life because of this collection of annoying symptoms that now run my life. I stand to lose my family, my career and all of my friends. And I struggle with guilt and shame over that too.
It is hard to be a (formerly??) enthusiastic, energetic, capable, go getter type of person who makes things happen and says ‘yes’ to everything who, for the last almost year or so, cannot seem to do anything at all. And when I push myself and do it anyhow.. I suffer for weeks following it.
If I had some horrible disease with a label or a visible disability would people understand better? Probably not. I suspect that those people struggle with guilt and shame too as they look back on what they used to be able to do and be.
I wouldn’t want to be in my life right now. I don’t want to be in my life right now. I wish I knew what I needed to do to make this all go away. What am I not doing.. what am I not eating, talking as a supplement.. what what what should I be doing differently do make this go away? People who have a syndrome tell me it never goes away and that makes me more depressed and fills me with more guilt and shame and dread over the inevitable loss of everyone and everything in my life.
I have nothing to say to make this sound hopeful or have any sort of point right now. I am just feeling fatalistic and filled with utter dread. And I am bone weary exhausted after 10 hours of sleep.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Waiting for the Right One
I met Josh when I was 44. I had never had genuine true love before him. I thought I had many times, but clearly it wasn't real. You know it when you find it.
When i was 39 I met the most amazing man I had ever met and thought I had met the love of my life. He was the best boyfriend I had ever had... handsome, brilliant, successful and everything I thought I wanted in a man. He treated me SO WELL and was so thoughtful and we talked and talked and talked all the time and we did fun things... I was really really happy. He showered me with elaborate extravagance for my 40th birthday before he disappeared from my life never to be seen again.
But he wasn't real. He pretended to be somebody I wanted him to be, but inside he is sick and twisted and dark and awful while on the outside he is sweet and charming and handsome and wonderful. And he broke me into so many pieces that I couldn't trust a man again for YEARS. I ran men off like scared bunnies with my hyper vigilance. And then I healed. And when the time was right and I was ready, I met Josh. In between there were several wannabes.. good men... bad men.. but none of whom were perfect for me.
I am able to accept today that I was madly in love with a wonderful man who didn't exist. He was a sociopathic liar who WANTED to be who I thought he was but, in the end, he had to be who he really was. I thank God we weren't together long because I know the damage would have been deeper and longer lasting and, as it was, it was intense. I was real and good and true and I gave of myself unselfishly and I believed him. And one day someone met me and loved those qualities because that is how HE is and he could never match with a woman who appreciated him for who he was either.
I know this sounds trite and pat and you get tired of hearing people say it over and over again because whenever anyone told me that 'when I no longer was looking or cared', then the magic "he" would appear.. I wanted to punch their faces. It royally pissed me off. What's worse is that it is true. And it is EXACTLY what happened with me.
I am so glad I waited for the right one.
When i was 39 I met the most amazing man I had ever met and thought I had met the love of my life. He was the best boyfriend I had ever had... handsome, brilliant, successful and everything I thought I wanted in a man. He treated me SO WELL and was so thoughtful and we talked and talked and talked all the time and we did fun things... I was really really happy. He showered me with elaborate extravagance for my 40th birthday before he disappeared from my life never to be seen again.
But he wasn't real. He pretended to be somebody I wanted him to be, but inside he is sick and twisted and dark and awful while on the outside he is sweet and charming and handsome and wonderful. And he broke me into so many pieces that I couldn't trust a man again for YEARS. I ran men off like scared bunnies with my hyper vigilance. And then I healed. And when the time was right and I was ready, I met Josh. In between there were several wannabes.. good men... bad men.. but none of whom were perfect for me.
I am able to accept today that I was madly in love with a wonderful man who didn't exist. He was a sociopathic liar who WANTED to be who I thought he was but, in the end, he had to be who he really was. I thank God we weren't together long because I know the damage would have been deeper and longer lasting and, as it was, it was intense. I was real and good and true and I gave of myself unselfishly and I believed him. And one day someone met me and loved those qualities because that is how HE is and he could never match with a woman who appreciated him for who he was either.
I know this sounds trite and pat and you get tired of hearing people say it over and over again because whenever anyone told me that 'when I no longer was looking or cared', then the magic "he" would appear.. I wanted to punch their faces. It royally pissed me off. What's worse is that it is true. And it is EXACTLY what happened with me.
I am so glad I waited for the right one.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
How to Keep Your Jews Jewish
In 1986, I found myself in a place in life where I was "searching" for a deeper meaning. I was a junior in college, had great friends, pursuing a degree that greatly interested me, generally enjoyed life, but was finding something lacking.
I could feel parts of the inner me crying out for more.. something deeper... and I did not know how to fill that need. I grew up in a relatively secular Jewish household. My Grandparents, Gd rest their souls, were phenomenal people who helped build the congregation of Temple Israel in Natick, Mass (home of the beloved Rabbi Harold Kushner of When Bad Things Happen To Good People fame. I grew up attending High Holiday services at Temple Israel but did my Jewish education at Temple Beth Sholom in Framingham where I attended and graduated Hebrew School and became a Bat Mitzvah. I went on to enjoy United Synagogue Youth (USY), a high school youth group among Conservative Synagogues and had a strong Jewish identity. I served as a CIT at a Jewish Day Camp. I loved being Jewish.
When I moved to Portland, Maine my Junior year of high school, I no longer continued in Jewish activities because I found the Jewish community in my area at that time... a bit exclusive... and didn't much care for newcomers from Boston, particularly the second wives of the former husband of another Jewish woman in this small community. Thus ended my active Jewish life. Admittedly, it was my choice and my personal perspective and probably horribly misguided.
Even with all this background and education, I felt pretty uneducated and lacking in the understanding of how to live as a Jewish woman. I felt awkward around those who knew how to light candles on Friday night and lead minyons and grew up attending temple on Shabbat weekly. If i don't' know how to do something well, i don't like doing it at all. Maybe that is why I didn't pursue my Judaism further.
I wish to the bottom of my soul I had been able and willing to move past this feeling of awkwardness and gotten involved with Hillel or particularly Chabad during that time. Where I could have learned about how to be Jewish practically speaking.. and learned that Judaism can be experiential and life-changing and joyous. That, as a Jew, I was able to engage in a meaningful communication with Gd.
But I didn't.
Instead, I would ask my Catholic friends, dutifully on their way to Mass each week, to pray for me. I thought that their prayers would be answered. I had no knowledge or assurance that my prayers did more than hit the ceiling of my dorm room. I felt envious of their Solid Box of Faith. They knew their parameters and felt very comfortable within them.
Enter the exuberant lively loving-kind born again Christians. One woman in particular seemed very interested in becoming my friend. And, I give her great credit, she genuinely did. No strings attached. She wasn't a drinker, but she would come to my dorm room and have a single glass of wine with me to get to know me. She really did want to know me. And her enthusiasm for her faith was contagious. I asked a lot of questions. Anyone who knows me is nodding and smiling. Sheri of a thousand questions. I need to know it all.. every angle.. every perspective. She was involved with an organization called The Navigators whose purpose is essentially discipleship.. or bringing christians to maturity in their faith and being people to bring others to maturity in their faith. They were people of great integrity and treated each other and others with great respect and honor. I was pretty out there... loud mouthed opinionated party girl and they all loved me anyhow.
So this is how it happened. I wanted the peace of mind they seemed to have. I liked how the men pulled chairs out for women. I liked how they prayed and felt completely confident that someone was on the other end of the call listening. Their beliefs were life changing and seemed to make them better people for it. Thus far in my life, I hadn't seen anything like that and I wanted what they had... but please... can't I just have all that without the whole Jesus thing????
This went on for a number of months and one day I realized that I had decided I wanted in. Now mind you, I did NOT believe the tenets of their faith. I did NOT believe that Jesus was born of a virgin, was crucified and raised on the third day, was, in fact, God, and died for my sins. I didn't. I WANTED TO. But most of all.. I wanted the end product. I wanted joy and passion in my belief system. Hell. I wanted a belief system period. I wanted to have a two way dialogue with whomever i was praying to. I wanted to know i was being heard and was cared for. Born again christianity was the only vehicle I knew of to get me there. I vividly remember my thought process of rationalization. It went something like this:
"OK. Let's move past the 'did this happen'... COULD the Almighty have done those things if s/he chose to? Well.. yes. Then, if s/he COULD have.. they maybe s/he DID. Who am I to say???" and it was from there I was able to make the leap.
Don't let me mislead you. I do nothing half way. When I do anything, I do it 200% or I don't do it at all. Those of you who know me are nodding and smiling. I dived headlong into Christianity and learned the language and customs and rules. They were not easy for me. I loved to party, swear, and I surely loved sex. Wait until marriage? SERIOUSLY????? That part took a while to take root. But again.. let me not mislead you. I lived this life fully for a very very long time. Eventually this became who i was.
I moved to Oregon where I lost nearly all of who I was in the previous 21 years of my life and allowed people to shame me into shedding the traits that made me me. Outspoken and opinionated feminist woman? "Aww Sis, I can't wait to see how the Lord works in you.." (translation: I need to love you because you are spiritually family, but GOD ALMIGHTY would you refine this obnoxious woman already?????) I used to joke that a good christian woman was the Four S's. Sweet, submissive, serving and sedate. I felt I was none of those.
I would love to sugarcoat this to you and say i snapped out of it within 8 months and remembered who I was. I did not. I married someone who expected the S4 woman and I was dead set on being the best. I spent 18 years in Christianity and I gave it 100%. For those of you who have concluded i was never really a "real christian", you are wrong. I refuse to document everything here because frankly I would rather put it in my past. You are going to have to just believe that if anyone CAN be a Christian, I was one.
I left Christianity over a period of many years. I am going to document the process of what I call the "unraveling sweater" from the very first to the very last. The purpose of this blog is to explain WHY I went into Christianity. How a nice Jewish girl from a good Jewish family... an educated headstrong woman with a Jewish education could become a B.A. and for so very long.
And that is why I am titling my blog "How To Keep Your Jews Jewish".
Living in Eugene has shown me a side of Judaism I never grew up with. Nobody here resembles the Jewish people I grew up with. The main synagogue here was reformed (I believe) when I first moved out here but is now Reconstructionist. I grew up in Conservative Judaism for my education and "Conservadox" Judaism for my social and High Holiday experience. Big differences.
I began visiting synagogue (where I grew up, we call it temple) while I was still a Christian occasionally. The people leading the services used bongo drums and played guitar and many people were as enraptured by the liturical singing as any charismatic or prophetic church I had ever gone to. Eventually I met other Jews who passionately loved Gd and their Judaism and lived it out in such a way that made me just as "jealous" as the BA's in college did.
And since then I have learned of the Renewal movement in Judaism that i still know very little about.. where there is great joy and excitement in services. Dancing and singing and hand raising even. SERIOUSLY???
WHERE WAS ALL THIS WHEN I WAS SEARCHING??????? Why is it that evangelicals can sweep up all the spiritually hungry people and I totally missed out on the chances to discover this in my own religion??? I feel robbed and deeply regretful. If i could change my path, I would do so in a heartbeat. My regrets are deep and painful.
You cannot imagine how difficult this is for me to "come out" about my past in a foreign religion when i have tried so very hard to keep this quiet and firmly IN my past for the last ten years or so. WHEN my Jewish colleagues and friends read this, and I fully expect them to, I will lose credibility and will bring suspicion on myself. They will probably believe me to be a closet Messianic. I am not. I just am a painfully honest person who cannot stand to be anyone but who I am and I would rather have people hate me for who I am than love me for who I am not.
Now, my ability to pursue a spiritual life is tainted by a christian world view and experience and I feel crippled from enjoying an experience in my own religion with my own people resulting from so many years in a foreign religion that i never felt remotely at home in. Everyone knew i was the Jewish one and, be it because of my Jewishness or because of my New England isms, I have never ever fit in. Not even a little.
So I guess my point of this blog is to encourage my Jewish family: Conservative, Ultra Orthodox, Reform, Reconstructionist, Renewal, BuJews, whatever you are.. "evangelize" your own. There are deep spiritual needs of many and they should not have to go outside their faith to satisfy those needs. We need to together make Judaism vibrant and relevant and welcoming to our own. I know now this is possible and there are options. Unfortunately I now have to find a way to detox my world view and the extremely destructive things I learned over those 18 years and to get certain cult like leaders out of my head and heart to be able to move forward as a Jewish woman who can unfold spiritually and be who I was meant to be in whatever form I choose.. but within the confines of my own people.
When I graduated Hebrew School in 8th grade, i expressed an interest in "Hebrew high" but had no mentors or role models to help me along that process. I dropped the ball. OH how I wished one person in that synagogue had taken me under their wing.. I was bright and promising.. but in a poor single parent family... and steered me in the right direction. OH how I wish someone would have told me about Birthright (if it existed back then) and connected me practically to my roots. OH how i wish that Chabad and Hillel had actively sought out Jewish Freshmen at my enormous University and followed up with us helping us to find a Jewish home at college. OH how I wish the first time I tried to visit temple in Eugene at the High Holiday services the first year I moved here I hadn't been accosted at the door by a woman demanding i write a check for a donation or I would not be allowed in. That was truly my turning point away.
I have three people in my life now that turned me home during my questioning period.. during my unraveling of the sweater. If not for those three people, I am not sure where I would be today. The first of those three people, Rivka, had the holy unique calling of finding all the Jews hopelessly lost in the churches and messianic groups and bringing them out and back into the Jewish community. She was mistrusted and misunderstood (and still is), but I can say with all assurance that if it were not for her audacity, tenacity, and shameless outspokenness, I might still be lost in the foreign religion. She found me and told me "this is NOT Jewish and I can bring you back to your people and help you re enter your community again."
Years later when I was well on that path, I met two Jewish men who embodied passion for Judaism and Gd in their own unique ways and showed me it is possible to be exuberant and passionate and be Jewish and that finished me off.
I don't know where to go from here. I am trying so hard to find my way. I am terrified of organized religion and letting anything rule, ruin,or order my life ever again. And yet there is still that hunger still in my spirit for something more.
(photo of my beloved Grampa and me on the day of my Bat Mitzvah)
I could feel parts of the inner me crying out for more.. something deeper... and I did not know how to fill that need. I grew up in a relatively secular Jewish household. My Grandparents, Gd rest their souls, were phenomenal people who helped build the congregation of Temple Israel in Natick, Mass (home of the beloved Rabbi Harold Kushner of When Bad Things Happen To Good People fame. I grew up attending High Holiday services at Temple Israel but did my Jewish education at Temple Beth Sholom in Framingham where I attended and graduated Hebrew School and became a Bat Mitzvah. I went on to enjoy United Synagogue Youth (USY), a high school youth group among Conservative Synagogues and had a strong Jewish identity. I served as a CIT at a Jewish Day Camp. I loved being Jewish.
When I moved to Portland, Maine my Junior year of high school, I no longer continued in Jewish activities because I found the Jewish community in my area at that time... a bit exclusive... and didn't much care for newcomers from Boston, particularly the second wives of the former husband of another Jewish woman in this small community. Thus ended my active Jewish life. Admittedly, it was my choice and my personal perspective and probably horribly misguided.
Even with all this background and education, I felt pretty uneducated and lacking in the understanding of how to live as a Jewish woman. I felt awkward around those who knew how to light candles on Friday night and lead minyons and grew up attending temple on Shabbat weekly. If i don't' know how to do something well, i don't like doing it at all. Maybe that is why I didn't pursue my Judaism further.
I wish to the bottom of my soul I had been able and willing to move past this feeling of awkwardness and gotten involved with Hillel or particularly Chabad during that time. Where I could have learned about how to be Jewish practically speaking.. and learned that Judaism can be experiential and life-changing and joyous. That, as a Jew, I was able to engage in a meaningful communication with Gd.
But I didn't.
Instead, I would ask my Catholic friends, dutifully on their way to Mass each week, to pray for me. I thought that their prayers would be answered. I had no knowledge or assurance that my prayers did more than hit the ceiling of my dorm room. I felt envious of their Solid Box of Faith. They knew their parameters and felt very comfortable within them.
Enter the exuberant lively loving-kind born again Christians. One woman in particular seemed very interested in becoming my friend. And, I give her great credit, she genuinely did. No strings attached. She wasn't a drinker, but she would come to my dorm room and have a single glass of wine with me to get to know me. She really did want to know me. And her enthusiasm for her faith was contagious. I asked a lot of questions. Anyone who knows me is nodding and smiling. Sheri of a thousand questions. I need to know it all.. every angle.. every perspective. She was involved with an organization called The Navigators whose purpose is essentially discipleship.. or bringing christians to maturity in their faith and being people to bring others to maturity in their faith. They were people of great integrity and treated each other and others with great respect and honor. I was pretty out there... loud mouthed opinionated party girl and they all loved me anyhow.
So this is how it happened. I wanted the peace of mind they seemed to have. I liked how the men pulled chairs out for women. I liked how they prayed and felt completely confident that someone was on the other end of the call listening. Their beliefs were life changing and seemed to make them better people for it. Thus far in my life, I hadn't seen anything like that and I wanted what they had... but please... can't I just have all that without the whole Jesus thing????
This went on for a number of months and one day I realized that I had decided I wanted in. Now mind you, I did NOT believe the tenets of their faith. I did NOT believe that Jesus was born of a virgin, was crucified and raised on the third day, was, in fact, God, and died for my sins. I didn't. I WANTED TO. But most of all.. I wanted the end product. I wanted joy and passion in my belief system. Hell. I wanted a belief system period. I wanted to have a two way dialogue with whomever i was praying to. I wanted to know i was being heard and was cared for. Born again christianity was the only vehicle I knew of to get me there. I vividly remember my thought process of rationalization. It went something like this:
"OK. Let's move past the 'did this happen'... COULD the Almighty have done those things if s/he chose to? Well.. yes. Then, if s/he COULD have.. they maybe s/he DID. Who am I to say???" and it was from there I was able to make the leap.
Don't let me mislead you. I do nothing half way. When I do anything, I do it 200% or I don't do it at all. Those of you who know me are nodding and smiling. I dived headlong into Christianity and learned the language and customs and rules. They were not easy for me. I loved to party, swear, and I surely loved sex. Wait until marriage? SERIOUSLY????? That part took a while to take root. But again.. let me not mislead you. I lived this life fully for a very very long time. Eventually this became who i was.
I moved to Oregon where I lost nearly all of who I was in the previous 21 years of my life and allowed people to shame me into shedding the traits that made me me. Outspoken and opinionated feminist woman? "Aww Sis, I can't wait to see how the Lord works in you.." (translation: I need to love you because you are spiritually family, but GOD ALMIGHTY would you refine this obnoxious woman already?????) I used to joke that a good christian woman was the Four S's. Sweet, submissive, serving and sedate. I felt I was none of those.
I would love to sugarcoat this to you and say i snapped out of it within 8 months and remembered who I was. I did not. I married someone who expected the S4 woman and I was dead set on being the best. I spent 18 years in Christianity and I gave it 100%. For those of you who have concluded i was never really a "real christian", you are wrong. I refuse to document everything here because frankly I would rather put it in my past. You are going to have to just believe that if anyone CAN be a Christian, I was one.
I left Christianity over a period of many years. I am going to document the process of what I call the "unraveling sweater" from the very first to the very last. The purpose of this blog is to explain WHY I went into Christianity. How a nice Jewish girl from a good Jewish family... an educated headstrong woman with a Jewish education could become a B.A. and for so very long.
And that is why I am titling my blog "How To Keep Your Jews Jewish".
Living in Eugene has shown me a side of Judaism I never grew up with. Nobody here resembles the Jewish people I grew up with. The main synagogue here was reformed (I believe) when I first moved out here but is now Reconstructionist. I grew up in Conservative Judaism for my education and "Conservadox" Judaism for my social and High Holiday experience. Big differences.
I began visiting synagogue (where I grew up, we call it temple) while I was still a Christian occasionally. The people leading the services used bongo drums and played guitar and many people were as enraptured by the liturical singing as any charismatic or prophetic church I had ever gone to. Eventually I met other Jews who passionately loved Gd and their Judaism and lived it out in such a way that made me just as "jealous" as the BA's in college did.
And since then I have learned of the Renewal movement in Judaism that i still know very little about.. where there is great joy and excitement in services. Dancing and singing and hand raising even. SERIOUSLY???
WHERE WAS ALL THIS WHEN I WAS SEARCHING??????? Why is it that evangelicals can sweep up all the spiritually hungry people and I totally missed out on the chances to discover this in my own religion??? I feel robbed and deeply regretful. If i could change my path, I would do so in a heartbeat. My regrets are deep and painful.
You cannot imagine how difficult this is for me to "come out" about my past in a foreign religion when i have tried so very hard to keep this quiet and firmly IN my past for the last ten years or so. WHEN my Jewish colleagues and friends read this, and I fully expect them to, I will lose credibility and will bring suspicion on myself. They will probably believe me to be a closet Messianic. I am not. I just am a painfully honest person who cannot stand to be anyone but who I am and I would rather have people hate me for who I am than love me for who I am not.
Now, my ability to pursue a spiritual life is tainted by a christian world view and experience and I feel crippled from enjoying an experience in my own religion with my own people resulting from so many years in a foreign religion that i never felt remotely at home in. Everyone knew i was the Jewish one and, be it because of my Jewishness or because of my New England isms, I have never ever fit in. Not even a little.
So I guess my point of this blog is to encourage my Jewish family: Conservative, Ultra Orthodox, Reform, Reconstructionist, Renewal, BuJews, whatever you are.. "evangelize" your own. There are deep spiritual needs of many and they should not have to go outside their faith to satisfy those needs. We need to together make Judaism vibrant and relevant and welcoming to our own. I know now this is possible and there are options. Unfortunately I now have to find a way to detox my world view and the extremely destructive things I learned over those 18 years and to get certain cult like leaders out of my head and heart to be able to move forward as a Jewish woman who can unfold spiritually and be who I was meant to be in whatever form I choose.. but within the confines of my own people.
When I graduated Hebrew School in 8th grade, i expressed an interest in "Hebrew high" but had no mentors or role models to help me along that process. I dropped the ball. OH how I wished one person in that synagogue had taken me under their wing.. I was bright and promising.. but in a poor single parent family... and steered me in the right direction. OH how I wish someone would have told me about Birthright (if it existed back then) and connected me practically to my roots. OH how i wish that Chabad and Hillel had actively sought out Jewish Freshmen at my enormous University and followed up with us helping us to find a Jewish home at college. OH how I wish the first time I tried to visit temple in Eugene at the High Holiday services the first year I moved here I hadn't been accosted at the door by a woman demanding i write a check for a donation or I would not be allowed in. That was truly my turning point away.
I have three people in my life now that turned me home during my questioning period.. during my unraveling of the sweater. If not for those three people, I am not sure where I would be today. The first of those three people, Rivka, had the holy unique calling of finding all the Jews hopelessly lost in the churches and messianic groups and bringing them out and back into the Jewish community. She was mistrusted and misunderstood (and still is), but I can say with all assurance that if it were not for her audacity, tenacity, and shameless outspokenness, I might still be lost in the foreign religion. She found me and told me "this is NOT Jewish and I can bring you back to your people and help you re enter your community again."
Years later when I was well on that path, I met two Jewish men who embodied passion for Judaism and Gd in their own unique ways and showed me it is possible to be exuberant and passionate and be Jewish and that finished me off.
I don't know where to go from here. I am trying so hard to find my way. I am terrified of organized religion and letting anything rule, ruin,or order my life ever again. And yet there is still that hunger still in my spirit for something more.
(photo of my beloved Grampa and me on the day of my Bat Mitzvah)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Pretty Little Boxes (or...I Wish I Were an Atheist, but I Am Not)
... eventually i will write a blog about the unraveling sweater and the process of un-becoming a christian. I am sure many people assume I am just "backslidden" and wanted to chase after a life of debauchery and selfishness. (It really wasn't about that although i have certainly supped at the buffet of debauchery.) It was a slow process that took down tenet by tenet for me over the course of years. I desperately wanted to hang onto something.. anything.. that felt safe and familiar so that I wasn't out there bobbing in the sea alone and directionless.
What is it about us humans that we feel we need labels and boxes and titles to know who and what we are?
In the beginning when I had to finally admit to myself i believed nothing that would allow me to continue to call myself a "believer".
("Believer" is the term that people who follow God/Jesus but do not like to be labeled 'christians' due to the stigma and a lack of identifying with the horrific examples one sees in the media of what a christian is. "Believers" are people who focus on a "relationship" with God rather than an adherence to a religion... and yes.. there really is a big difference. Most believers I know are extremely good and conscientious people who care about making a difference in the world and not about shoving religion down anyone's throat.. don't boycott funerals or protest at abortion clinics or condemn homosexuals.. they just live their life trying to deepen their relationship with God)
... anyhow.. i had to come to grips that i was not a believer.
My plan was to develop into a religious observant Jewish woman.. but then I entered the Judaic Studies program at the U of O and experienced the Tanach (also known as the Old Testament) dismantled book by book by a biblical scholar who explained why the canon was a work of fiction. I was destroyed. I remember the moment. She was discussing the Book of Daniel that had always been one of my favorites.. and providing archaeological proof why it could not be true. Emotionally, I felt like i was lying on the floor bleeding and someone came up to me and began kicking my fractured ribs.
From that point forward I felt utterly lost. I remember going to visit that professor in her office and "coming out" to her about my past (she was visibly mortified and i vowed to never "come out" to another Jewish person again) and I plead with her. yes. I plead with her. "I don't know how to move forward as a Jew... if scripture is not true.. what do I hold onto? What is truth?" and looked at me as though i were absolutely insane and explained to me "Sheri this is not Christianity. Judaism is a Rabbinical religion based on Halacha and not on the irrefutibility of scripture" (or something close to that)
Regardless of your personal beliefs, the essence of what she was saying was simply, "Sheri, don't look for someone to make this easy for you. Nobody is going to hand you a pretty box with an instruction booklet."
So I wish I were an Atheist. And I tried to be. As a "religious person" i depended on the absolute truth of Scripture to be my life guide. With that gone, I felt aimless and had no idea what to anchor myself to. I am a truth person. I have no interest in fables or oral traditions that make life seem more fun. if it isn't truth, I want nothing to do with it, and i had no truth left.. just anecdotes of what i personally experienced. So I decided that I was done with God and moved forward.
.. except that while the outer part of me took this path, my "kishkes" kept calling out to a higher being. Kishkes... guts.. innards. I would face a situation and the believing Sheri would pray in that situation. The new Sheri was stumped. How do i approach this? Maybe it is a conditioned world view. I am willing to accept that. Regardless... I have accepted over the course of many years that, while identifying as an Atheist would feel more authentic to me (because I have no pretty box with instructions), the innermost parts of my cries out to a higher being against my will.
I want to clarify that I do not assume that being an Atheist is to "lack of God" anymore than being a woman is "lack of penis". I know there is depth and meaning behind the Being of Atheist that I simply am not schooled on. I do not want to offend Atheists by referring to them as people with a lack of something. I just realized that I am not one.
So i am not an Atheist. I don't know what i am. What i know I am is an excruciatingly honest person who identifies as a Truth Person. I struggle with observing rituals that have no adequate "Why" attached to them. I recognize the value of Tribal Ritual in and of itself and, for that, I very much want to pass on Jewish traditions to my children although I feel I have horribly failed at that.
I am a "Spiritual Person". I don't know what spirit or what that even means except that the ONLY thing I genuinely miss about the believer life is the deep connection i genuinely felt to a higher being. I miss feeling like my prayers were heard and considered. I miss worship. I miss worship a LOT. For a while I continued to pick worship songs that didn't have the word Jesus in them (and good luck with that.. there aren't many).. but I felt like a hypocrite. I miss that part of my life but I have no pretty little box to put it in. i am still searching. But (here comes the 80's cliche'..) "I still haven't found what I'm looking for".
It takes courage and poise to live a life outside a Pretty Little Box and feel confident that you are on the right track. I am working on it.
~and That's what she said...
What is it about us humans that we feel we need labels and boxes and titles to know who and what we are?
In the beginning when I had to finally admit to myself i believed nothing that would allow me to continue to call myself a "believer".
("Believer" is the term that people who follow God/Jesus but do not like to be labeled 'christians' due to the stigma and a lack of identifying with the horrific examples one sees in the media of what a christian is. "Believers" are people who focus on a "relationship" with God rather than an adherence to a religion... and yes.. there really is a big difference. Most believers I know are extremely good and conscientious people who care about making a difference in the world and not about shoving religion down anyone's throat.. don't boycott funerals or protest at abortion clinics or condemn homosexuals.. they just live their life trying to deepen their relationship with God)
... anyhow.. i had to come to grips that i was not a believer.
My plan was to develop into a religious observant Jewish woman.. but then I entered the Judaic Studies program at the U of O and experienced the Tanach (also known as the Old Testament) dismantled book by book by a biblical scholar who explained why the canon was a work of fiction. I was destroyed. I remember the moment. She was discussing the Book of Daniel that had always been one of my favorites.. and providing archaeological proof why it could not be true. Emotionally, I felt like i was lying on the floor bleeding and someone came up to me and began kicking my fractured ribs.
From that point forward I felt utterly lost. I remember going to visit that professor in her office and "coming out" to her about my past (she was visibly mortified and i vowed to never "come out" to another Jewish person again) and I plead with her. yes. I plead with her. "I don't know how to move forward as a Jew... if scripture is not true.. what do I hold onto? What is truth?" and looked at me as though i were absolutely insane and explained to me "Sheri this is not Christianity. Judaism is a Rabbinical religion based on Halacha and not on the irrefutibility of scripture" (or something close to that)
Regardless of your personal beliefs, the essence of what she was saying was simply, "Sheri, don't look for someone to make this easy for you. Nobody is going to hand you a pretty box with an instruction booklet."
So I wish I were an Atheist. And I tried to be. As a "religious person" i depended on the absolute truth of Scripture to be my life guide. With that gone, I felt aimless and had no idea what to anchor myself to. I am a truth person. I have no interest in fables or oral traditions that make life seem more fun. if it isn't truth, I want nothing to do with it, and i had no truth left.. just anecdotes of what i personally experienced. So I decided that I was done with God and moved forward.
.. except that while the outer part of me took this path, my "kishkes" kept calling out to a higher being. Kishkes... guts.. innards. I would face a situation and the believing Sheri would pray in that situation. The new Sheri was stumped. How do i approach this? Maybe it is a conditioned world view. I am willing to accept that. Regardless... I have accepted over the course of many years that, while identifying as an Atheist would feel more authentic to me (because I have no pretty box with instructions), the innermost parts of my cries out to a higher being against my will.
I want to clarify that I do not assume that being an Atheist is to "lack of God" anymore than being a woman is "lack of penis". I know there is depth and meaning behind the Being of Atheist that I simply am not schooled on. I do not want to offend Atheists by referring to them as people with a lack of something. I just realized that I am not one.
So i am not an Atheist. I don't know what i am. What i know I am is an excruciatingly honest person who identifies as a Truth Person. I struggle with observing rituals that have no adequate "Why" attached to them. I recognize the value of Tribal Ritual in and of itself and, for that, I very much want to pass on Jewish traditions to my children although I feel I have horribly failed at that.
I am a "Spiritual Person". I don't know what spirit or what that even means except that the ONLY thing I genuinely miss about the believer life is the deep connection i genuinely felt to a higher being. I miss feeling like my prayers were heard and considered. I miss worship. I miss worship a LOT. For a while I continued to pick worship songs that didn't have the word Jesus in them (and good luck with that.. there aren't many).. but I felt like a hypocrite. I miss that part of my life but I have no pretty little box to put it in. i am still searching. But (here comes the 80's cliche'..) "I still haven't found what I'm looking for".
It takes courage and poise to live a life outside a Pretty Little Box and feel confident that you are on the right track. I am working on it.
~and That's what she said...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I don't believe that I am an Atheist. I might be an Agnostic... but I am not sure...
.. but I've seen the light and I can say with full assurance from the wellsprings of where it is well with my soul... that i am not a christian.
Being Jewish is complicated. Explaining to non-Jews the intricasies of Judaism and Being Jewish is exhausting. I remember the first time I tried to do that. I must have been 8 or so. I was talking to my Italian Catholic next door neighbor babysitter and she asked me what my nationality/heritage was. "Jewish". She replied with a little exasperation, "NO. I am Catholic and you are Jewish. I am Italian. What are you?" "Jewish". That was the first of probably hundreds of exasperating discussions of the sort.
Being Jewish is both as easy as saying you are "American" and leaving it at that and also as complicated as what I imagine rocket science must be like to discuss. Like, I don't "get" science.
So I am coming out. Some of you that know me already know this at least to some degree and some of you had absolutely no idea and will be horrifically shocked. And some of you will be shocked to hear me talk about this in the past tense. I did used to be a Christian. I had one of those cliche' experiences and spent some adult years in the culture of what I call churchianity. And those of you who do know me know that I do nothing half way.
I did spend many many years working my way out. I liken it to a sweater with a loose thread. I was warm and cozy in this sweater until i noticed that pesky loose thread. WELL that can't be. I tugged at the loose thread and slowly the entire sweater was unraveled until it was nothing but a wavy heap of yarn at my feet.
That was many years ago. The loose thread preceded the end of my marriage and I spent the last several years while married questioning sacred cows and researching everything half to death. It was like discovering your best friend is a pathological liar. (er.. let's not go there...) I might have hung on for a few more years as i went through my divorce had I had those warm fuzzies people love christianity for, but instead I was shunned and disfellowshiped for leaving my husband and lost all but a small handful of friends who chose to love me for who I am regardless of what I did or didn't believe and did or didn't do.
I realize today that one of the reasons christianity attracted me way back then was because I needed experience and I am a "why" person. I used to ask in Hebrew School "why did God used to talk to people back then but He doesn't anymore?" I would go to synagogue and long for a deeper experience that moved me inside instead of reading the Hebrew prayers that I couldn't translate without looking to the left side translation page. I wanted something deeper and warm fuzzy and tangible. So along came those always-happy born agains who explained that i could be Jewish AND a christian and they would thank me for sharing my Messiah with them. Whaaaaa????
I am going to be honest here. I didn't believe any of it. Virgin birth.. god becoming man... resurrection... But I wanted the deep connection experience and i figured if i had to make myself believe the stories, I would in exchange for having some sort of connection to the Almighty. I rationalized it saying "COULD God have done those things if he wanted to? Well.. yes.. so then.. if he could have.. why not? Maybe he did?"
Assimilation works wonders. Eventually my doubts dissipated and I did fully embrace the culture and religion and participated actively. I was genuine it was a real experience and it met the need I had been looking for.
If only I had discovered Chabad at that time. My whole life would have taken a different turn. I had never met a fellow Jew who passionately loved God and had some sort of internal experience from it.
That is.. until I met Rivka Sari, Eliezer Braun and John Daly. And it changed my life. All my questions and loose threads were resolved and I was able to make peace with the fact that I was a passionate Jewish woman who could pursue my religion however I wanted to.. IF i wanted to...with passion and commitment or without.. my choice.. and I didn't need to worship a foreign triune triple decker god in order to do so. It took a few months to reconcile.. there is some significant brainwashing one goes through. I was now floating in the abyss with no assurance of anything in the hereafter.
I have revisited that past a few times in the almost ten years.. I have attended a church with a friend (to placate them..), visited someone performing at a church, an event at a church, and a few funerals... and I have to say I felt nothing. There were no "come hooooooommeeee" stirrings from within me. But HELL when i was living as a christian, I would watch a Ben Stiller movie and I would have DRAMATIC "come hooooooooommmme" stirrings about being Jewish. It would move me to tears. And so I did. I came home.
So now here I sit. I have a condioning world view that I learned from many years in churchianity that is hard to shake. I DID experience deep things when in that realm and I believe those things were real. I just don't believe they had anything to do with a christian god. I think there are universal principals and truths and mysteries that cross the sacred boundaries of World Religions and we placate ourselves by putting them into nice pretty boxes that feel comfy to us. I still have all the so called "giftings" I had as a christian. (yes, really) I never ever fit into church culture because I was so damned Jewish. And now I am not sure how to fit back into the religious world of Judaism. Christianity was such a cult like phenomenon to me that I can't bring myself to get involved heavily in the community of my own people. I want community, I want depth, I want meaning.. most of all I want tribal ritual to pass onto my kids, but I am afraid to get lost in religion again or under the influence of another charasmatic cult like leader.
So I am Jewish. And I am lucky that the word "Jewish" is such a nice big umbrella that requires so little explanation and I have a lot of room to figure out what I think and believe and hope for.
*Post Script: I genuinely don't mean any disprect to christians by this posting. I don't allow my kids to diss christianity anymore than I would permit any sort of bigotry or intolerance and I work hard to not disrespect your religion either. A lot of people who have known me in the last ten years did not know that I spent time in that religion significantly and there are a lot of people that haven't seen me in a long time that were not aware I had permanently left. I have very strong feelings about my experiences in the various forms of that realm that I might talk about. The good experiences and the cult like ones. If these sort of discussions will offend you to the point of not wanting to be in my life any further then I encourage you to either NOT read them, or simply leave my life. I am who I am and I only want people in my life who love me as I am right now.
And that's what SHE said..
Being Jewish is complicated. Explaining to non-Jews the intricasies of Judaism and Being Jewish is exhausting. I remember the first time I tried to do that. I must have been 8 or so. I was talking to my Italian Catholic next door neighbor babysitter and she asked me what my nationality/heritage was. "Jewish". She replied with a little exasperation, "NO. I am Catholic and you are Jewish. I am Italian. What are you?" "Jewish". That was the first of probably hundreds of exasperating discussions of the sort.
Being Jewish is both as easy as saying you are "American" and leaving it at that and also as complicated as what I imagine rocket science must be like to discuss. Like, I don't "get" science.
So I am coming out. Some of you that know me already know this at least to some degree and some of you had absolutely no idea and will be horrifically shocked. And some of you will be shocked to hear me talk about this in the past tense. I did used to be a Christian. I had one of those cliche' experiences and spent some adult years in the culture of what I call churchianity. And those of you who do know me know that I do nothing half way.
I did spend many many years working my way out. I liken it to a sweater with a loose thread. I was warm and cozy in this sweater until i noticed that pesky loose thread. WELL that can't be. I tugged at the loose thread and slowly the entire sweater was unraveled until it was nothing but a wavy heap of yarn at my feet.
That was many years ago. The loose thread preceded the end of my marriage and I spent the last several years while married questioning sacred cows and researching everything half to death. It was like discovering your best friend is a pathological liar. (er.. let's not go there...) I might have hung on for a few more years as i went through my divorce had I had those warm fuzzies people love christianity for, but instead I was shunned and disfellowshiped for leaving my husband and lost all but a small handful of friends who chose to love me for who I am regardless of what I did or didn't believe and did or didn't do.
I realize today that one of the reasons christianity attracted me way back then was because I needed experience and I am a "why" person. I used to ask in Hebrew School "why did God used to talk to people back then but He doesn't anymore?" I would go to synagogue and long for a deeper experience that moved me inside instead of reading the Hebrew prayers that I couldn't translate without looking to the left side translation page. I wanted something deeper and warm fuzzy and tangible. So along came those always-happy born agains who explained that i could be Jewish AND a christian and they would thank me for sharing my Messiah with them. Whaaaaa????
I am going to be honest here. I didn't believe any of it. Virgin birth.. god becoming man... resurrection... But I wanted the deep connection experience and i figured if i had to make myself believe the stories, I would in exchange for having some sort of connection to the Almighty. I rationalized it saying "COULD God have done those things if he wanted to? Well.. yes.. so then.. if he could have.. why not? Maybe he did?"
Assimilation works wonders. Eventually my doubts dissipated and I did fully embrace the culture and religion and participated actively. I was genuine it was a real experience and it met the need I had been looking for.
If only I had discovered Chabad at that time. My whole life would have taken a different turn. I had never met a fellow Jew who passionately loved God and had some sort of internal experience from it.
That is.. until I met Rivka Sari, Eliezer Braun and John Daly. And it changed my life. All my questions and loose threads were resolved and I was able to make peace with the fact that I was a passionate Jewish woman who could pursue my religion however I wanted to.. IF i wanted to...with passion and commitment or without.. my choice.. and I didn't need to worship a foreign triune triple decker god in order to do so. It took a few months to reconcile.. there is some significant brainwashing one goes through. I was now floating in the abyss with no assurance of anything in the hereafter.
I have revisited that past a few times in the almost ten years.. I have attended a church with a friend (to placate them..), visited someone performing at a church, an event at a church, and a few funerals... and I have to say I felt nothing. There were no "come hooooooommeeee" stirrings from within me. But HELL when i was living as a christian, I would watch a Ben Stiller movie and I would have DRAMATIC "come hooooooooommmme" stirrings about being Jewish. It would move me to tears. And so I did. I came home.
So now here I sit. I have a condioning world view that I learned from many years in churchianity that is hard to shake. I DID experience deep things when in that realm and I believe those things were real. I just don't believe they had anything to do with a christian god. I think there are universal principals and truths and mysteries that cross the sacred boundaries of World Religions and we placate ourselves by putting them into nice pretty boxes that feel comfy to us. I still have all the so called "giftings" I had as a christian. (yes, really) I never ever fit into church culture because I was so damned Jewish. And now I am not sure how to fit back into the religious world of Judaism. Christianity was such a cult like phenomenon to me that I can't bring myself to get involved heavily in the community of my own people. I want community, I want depth, I want meaning.. most of all I want tribal ritual to pass onto my kids, but I am afraid to get lost in religion again or under the influence of another charasmatic cult like leader.
So I am Jewish. And I am lucky that the word "Jewish" is such a nice big umbrella that requires so little explanation and I have a lot of room to figure out what I think and believe and hope for.
*Post Script: I genuinely don't mean any disprect to christians by this posting. I don't allow my kids to diss christianity anymore than I would permit any sort of bigotry or intolerance and I work hard to not disrespect your religion either. A lot of people who have known me in the last ten years did not know that I spent time in that religion significantly and there are a lot of people that haven't seen me in a long time that were not aware I had permanently left. I have very strong feelings about my experiences in the various forms of that realm that I might talk about. The good experiences and the cult like ones. If these sort of discussions will offend you to the point of not wanting to be in my life any further then I encourage you to either NOT read them, or simply leave my life. I am who I am and I only want people in my life who love me as I am right now.
And that's what SHE said..
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